The first time I decided to have sex, I was 15. I had been dating the guy I was with for over a year. We genuinely felt like we were in love, we had our first everything together – first kiss all the way up to losing our virginity. It was almost like we were following along the natural steps we thought we should take. I never worried that I was making the wrong choice to have sex, I really trusted the person I was with and felt like I was ready to do it. We talked about it a lot beforehand and agreed that we wanted to try it, and we talked about how much longer we wanted to wait until we felt ready. When we both felt ready we tried it, and frankly, didn’t enjoy it very much. I think it just surprised us how much less intimate sex felt than other stuff we had done. I remember thinking I would do it wrong, and I know he thought about that as well. As a result, we couldn’t really be as engaged in what we were doing. After we tried it twice, we decided to stop doing it altogether.

I felt like I was mature enough to make that choice for myself, but I was shocked by the aftermath of my choice. I was safe, I was on the pill, he wore a condom, we did all the right steps. However, my friends were all really dismissive of me after that. They were freaked out and thought that I was gross. Guys in my grade found out about it (because high school) and started to think I was an “easy target” for a lay. I lost a lot of friends after that and started hanging out with mostly older kids who didn’t care. When my parents found out, they were really mad. It damaged our relationship a lot, and I think they still haven’t gotten over it.

The guy I lost my virginity to didn’t have any of these problems, his friends thought it was awesome that he knew so much about sex already. Even now when I mention it to friends, I feel like I am being slut-shamed. People say things like “whoa, that is way too early”, or “your parents must have been really laid back” or “I bet that was traumatizing”. But honestly, the sex itself wasn’t traumatizing, how everyone else reacted to me was traumatizing. I felt like I didn’t fit in anymore because I made a choice that wasn’t allowed.

I was sexually molested when I was a little girl, but I never connected that to wanting to have sex again. Maybe it made it easier for me to do it when I was young because of that experience, but it also really irritates me when people imply that being a victim of sexual abuse automatically makes you irresponsibly promiscuous. I chose to have sex and I was not forced into it the first time I did it.

Even though I learned a lot from having sex, and I have really great memories of all of my first sexual experiences with this guy, I wish I had waited. I don’t regret any of it, but I wish I had waited because it changed the remainder of my high school experience in a negative way. I don’t feel like I shook off that reputation until college, when all of my other friends had lost their virginity (or wanted to) and suddenly I was normal again.