Losing my virginity was never really a big deal to me. I did not grow up religious, I had no qualms with pre-marital sex or “your body is a temple” issues so my story isn’t fraught with emotional turmoil. I actually came really close to losing my virginity when I was 14, but luckily that didn’t happen. I was dating some greasy creep, and for some reason he thought it would be better to wait. Bless his heart.

Anyway, for the actual tale. I was laying in his bed, watching some TV show. He was poking around downstairs, examining my lady parts, as curious teenage boys will do. Then he stuck his penis in, and I felt a pinch. I kept waiting for this feeling, like “Oh! I just lost my virginity!” but it never came. It was almost a non-experience.

Here’s what I do regret: I was absolutely not educated enough for sex. You might have noticed that story did not include a condom, because there was no condom. Kind of unbelievable. I was a smart person and I thought I knew all about sex. I had taken sex ed, I knew the risks associated with the different types of birth control. But I also had a lot of weird issues about male attention and being able to set boundaries with men. I was not raped or taken advantage of, but I was really an idiot. I got lucky, because this fella had a low sperm count (from copious amounts of pot smoking) and an ejaculation problem (from death-gripping his member during masturbation). So somehow I escaped teen pregnancy, despite throwing myself into its path constantly.

As for any other effects on my life, I don’t think there were many. My friendships suffered as a result of my relationship, but not the sex itself. I was the first person to have sex in my group of friends, and as far as I know they didn’t really care. My parents pretended not to know anything (until my mother confronted me about a condom receipt she found, to which I said, “At least we’re using protection.” (Which was true for that one time). Overall, the experience was more just one of those things that happens as you grow up than a romantic/magical/horrific event.