I lost my virginity when I was 17, two months after I graduated High School. Guys never really noticed me in school, I’d had a couple of little flings but I always ended up getting screwed over. I eventually learnt to not trust men in general. It dawned on me that I was supposed to start College soon and I was a virgin. I had heard of a girl that had asked one her guys friends to just help her get it over with. So that’s what I did.

We were at a party and I was sitting with a guy friend who I’d known for a few years and we got along pretty well. I awkwardly told him my plan and he said he was down. It wasn’t until a few hours later when we were lying in his bed, that I started to question if this was what I wanted. He was like “are we doing this or not?” And I was like “ahhhhhh I don’t know” and he said “screw it, we are”. I just lay there, while he did his thing. It was so painful (physically) and awkward. There was absolutely no emotional connection between us, we never kissed, my clothes stayed on. Of course, he didn’t fit well, I’m allergic to lube so that didn’t help and I literally had no idea how to move my body. He left the room straight away.

It’s only now that I’m writing this down, do I start to realise how horrible this experience was. I haven’t had sex since, I think I’m afraid. I don’t regret it as such, I was ready. I just wish I didn’t rush. I wish I waited for someone I had even the slightest bit of feelings for. Sex/virginity is so over rated, I was just so desperate to know what all the hype was about. Since then, I’ve learnt that it’s okay to say no sex and that’s a really great feeling.

I thought that I would be this whole new person, suddenly a woman. Instead, I felt gross, embarrassed and empty. What gets me is that BEFORE IT EVEN STARTED, I knew I didn’t want to do it but I didn’t stop him. I felt like I had no right to. I think this experience has made me who I am today. I have learnt to like myself and treat myself right. It feels good.