I had been an early bloomer in everything but sex. By the time I went to college, I was as green as I could possibly be – I never had a boyfriend, never experienced awkward and fumbling make-out sessions. Older friends kept saying that “college would be really good for me,” which I clung to during my very sexless high school years. Freshman year of college came and went, with only a movie snuggle with a gentleman in my dorm to hang my hat on (he later came out of the closet).

It didn’t bother me too much – I didn’t even see myself as someone who would “have a boyfriend,” which, looking back, was a little bit sad. But it made me okay with my situation and able to focus on other things. The downside was when it did happen, it felt like a “once in a lifetime” scenario (I’ve spoken to friends with similar backgrounds who have felt the same way, which is interesting).

I spent the summer after my freshman year of college at home, and I quickly met a slightly older guy who – gasp! – actually seemed interested. I experienced my first kiss to my first everything in the short time of two weeks. I don’t regret this – it felt like I finally caught up to everyone else. The actual event wasn’t traumatizing or painful and I spent the next day wondering if I was supposed to feel differently or “changed.” It actually felt like a bigger deal to kiss for the first time or experience other foreplay situations. There were no immediate repercussions – sex was just added to the list of activities to do that summer.

The emotional repercussions came later when the summer romance ended (as they are supposed to) and I went back to school feeling like that was my “one shot” at a relationship. I know that seems ridiculous, but all of my sexual experiences were tied to that one person. I felt an inexplicable, almost biological, connection that I couldn’t even explain. Also, feelings that couldn’t be fixed with logic or perspective were incredibly frustrating and new. It was a really difficult time that affected my view of relationships and myself. I felt a lot of shame that I couldn’t “move on” like other friends seemed to be able to do. I desperately wanted to apply a nonchalance that just didn’t exist for me.

Since then, I’ve had other partners and have been able to view relationships with varying degrees of casualness. But I still feel very naive in the sense that I can’t wrap my head around being “promiscuous” and sex with strangers freaks me out. I don’t have regrets and I learned a lot about myself, however difficult it was at times!