I’m 25, and a virgin. A good amount of judgment comes with being a virgin at my age. Some of that judgment comes from myself, and some of it comes from the rest of the world. Over the years I’ve had opportunities for sexual encounters that I did not act upon. As no sane man would pass up on the opportunity for sex, I judged myself harshly for being too timid. I’ve only recently realized that what I was doing was not failing to act, but choosing not to do so. This makes it easier to have some measure of self-acceptance for my situation. But I’m not exactly outspoken about my un-fucked state of being. I wouldn’t even be writing this if I couldn’t do so anonymously. I’m still afraid of being judged.

Our culture’s mindset seems to be something like this: Sex is great. If you are an adult, and you are not having sex, it’s because you are too immature to realize that sex is great; or because you have failed to seduce any partners. Therefore, if you are not having sex, you are socially or mentally inept. This perception means that revealing sexual inexperience lowers your social standing. Losing that standing with peers is embarrassing. Losing it with a romantic interest is crushing. No one wants to lose status with someone when that person is someone you want seeing you as an equal. But at some point, you need to tell your romantic interest the truth, because otherwise you will just seem like a shitty lover. That’s mostly forgiven when you are a teen, but by this age, you are expected to know what you are doing.

Being a virgin is a big secret to keep, and an awkward one to share. The question is, when should you share with your intended partner that you are a virgin? Tell too early, and you’re seen as presumptuous or overeager. However, the longer you wait, the more you are going to feel the need to apologize for ineptitude born of inexperience. And even if they are understanding when you tell them, the information may permanently change the dynamic of the relationship. All this uncertainty only adds to the anxiety of attempting courtship.

I want to be in an intimate relationship, but sex on it’s own doesn’t make for intimacy. I’m waiting to be with someone that I trust and care about, and who trusts and cares about me. So far, I have had very little relationship experience, which is why my cherry remains in mint condition. I’m doing my best to be okay with it, even though waiting has been difficult and lonely. I think having sex when it didn’t feel right would only lead to an unpleasant experience for everyone involved. I don’t have any regrets about waiting. I just hope I made the right call.