I was raised Catholic, so the messages I was exposed to (no pun intended) on sex were, well, heavy on abstinence, sexist, and homophobic. There was a lot of shame and guilt around sex.  Through that period of my life, I felt trapped in the you are either a virgin or a whore. And both men and women are quick to dismiss a virgin, and quicker to label a woman a whore.

I lost ‘it’ my sophomore year in college, when I was 19.  Compared to my peers, this was considered late- unless you count the few that were ‘saving themselves’ for marriage, which I never planned to do. I always found it amusing when friends would find out I was a virgin, and follow it by things like- “You are so lucky! I wish I would have waited.” So there was always this idea perpetuated by women, it seemed, that it was some precious pearl to give away, never to have again.  For a long time I entertained the dream that one day I would meet and fall in love with a great guy, and when the time was right we’d ‘do it’.

But by the time I reached 19, I felt like it was something to get rid of.  As far as relationships go, I felt defective. I had never had a long term boyfriend. In retrospect, I lacked self-confidence and rejected men that showed interest, and longed for the ones that were unattainable.  And if somehow they became attainable, I no longer wanted them. But, at 19, I met someone at a party. We started dating. He was very experienced. I decided to have sex with him, more to ‘get it over with’. I remember thinking, “Oh my God! I’m doing IT!”. Of course it was awkward and not very good, but I had the experience. I shed the label! We had sex once or twice more, but then our long romance of a month was done.

Was it the right time? I honestly don’t know. It is what it is. I know I appreciated sex more when it was someone I loved, and as I grew more comfortable with my body and became more experienced. I do remember the actual disappointment of some friends when they found I decided to give up this precious pearl. Really? While I don’t take having sex with someone lightly, I don’t believe it defines me. Nor, does the choice or the circumstances of my first time.