I come from a middle/upper class family and lifestyle. I have only been used to living like that really. Because of what happened, i now feel that sex is about power not love. I used to always think that my first time would be amazing. It would hopefully happen with a guy who really liked me in some romantic (ish) situation when i was around 15-16 years old. My hopes were too high. i lost my virginity 1 month ago today on the 22nd March 2014. I was on my way home rom a party and when i was walking back to my house, which wasn’t at all far, i was raped.
The whole thing happened so quickly i didn’t get time to clock what this man was doing to me. i couldn’t fight back. i was powerless to him. i don’t think i have ever felt more humiliated, hopeless, and lifeless in my life. i don’t remember feeling a sense of fear. i was full aware what he was doing and that he was cutting me. my head whacking against the curb being raped from behind. i lay there on my front on the cold hard cobblestones of a alleyway off a busy and un-pedestrian road. tears rolled down my face. i shut my eyes and waited till he was finished. he got off me after cutting me multiple times, and kicked me, threw my skirt down on me over my butt and said, “don’t act like you didn’t want it white whore.” he proceeded to bend down and wipe a tear from my closed eyes, he walked off. the one thing i was aware of was my soon approaching curfew. i was certain i didn’t want my parents to ever find out. I cannot think of anything more degrading no matter how much i love them.
So i tried to pretend like nothing had happened, i seemed to be able to act like it, until i was on my own. as soon as i went to bed, or someone left the room, or i was given a moment to think and cry tears of help and self pity. It really came down like a tonne of bricks when i got a Facebook message from a guy i don’t know very well inviting me to go to the cinema with him. I politely refused to which he replied, “its not like I’m going to rape you.” As i read it i started shaking and convulsing. i was having a panic attack and vomiting into my bedside bin. the only thing i could taste was my rapist kissing me and shoving his dick into my mouth.
My closest friend knows, and my dad. the only way i have even been able to look at myself, or make eye contact with a grown man has been to smoke marijuana daily. i will eventually get over it. But to the person that did this to me. Because of what you did, a 14 year old had to take the morning after pill, a pregnancy test, a STD test and she might never have a proper relationship with someone. And you know what? The awful truth is she may never talk to hr dad again, because he thinks just like you do that that girl was asking for it. AMEN.
The Virginity Project 