I was 13, certainly “too young” by most standards both then and now, but I’ve always felt like an old soul, and I was ready. ‘R’ was 18, and my first “real” boyfriend. He was emotional, awkward, and also a virgin. Even though I was so much younger, I felt like I was in charge. I decided it was time for us to have sex. I guided his dick into me, and reassured him along the way that yes we were doing it right, yes I was okay. Although I had already masturbated to orgasm several times before this day, I didn’t yet see my pleasure as a necessary part of having sex, and I didn’t come with Rick. I think it felt good, if maybe a bit uncomfortable, but he came, and that was the point.

Later, I developed what I now fondly refer to as a “virginity complex” — I got off on seducing boys I liked, and leading them through various sexual adventures. I was experienced; I knew what I was doing, and I enjoyed their nervous pleasure. I taught more than one boy what the clitoris is, where it is, and what to do with it. With others, I just wanted to give them pleasure, and I took great satisfaction in wielding this benevolent power over them.

Some of these boys didn’t know how to interpret my being so sexual. There was ‘G’, the boy who worked with me at the fast food restaurant in high school, whom I used to give blow jobs in his car in the parking lot after work. Once I tried to kiss him afterwards, and he wouldn’t let me. He said it felt “too personal.” I was confused, and offended. I said, “So you’ll let me suck your dick, but you won’t kiss me?” No, he maintained. Sucking dick is just sucking dick, but kissing… That’s something you do with your girlfriend. Well, I didn’t want to be his girlfriend, but this view of his made it clear that he didn’t respect me, and was missing the point of what we were doing there in the front seat of his car. So, that was the end of that.

Most of the virgins I was with were just happy to be having sex, and didn’t ask questions or try to label it. Sometimes there was this sense between us afterward, or to other people who knew about it, that what we were doing was bad for my image and good for theirs. I never felt that way in the moment; I enjoyed having sex and being a teacher. I had no shame about being sexual then, and I still regret none of it now.