It was my senior year of high school, small town, Friday night party.  Everyone was drinking.  I think I even recently broke up with my boyfriend.  Hard to say, I don’t remember much.  But what I do know, I was past the point of making any conscious decisions.  Technically I was raped, by a guy a I knew from a neighboring town, in his truck.  Just what every girls wants to remember for their first time.  I was physically sick for about a week after it happened.  I don’t blame the drinking, I do blame him.  I also know he did this to other girls, so he was (maybe still is) a predator, waiting for the right girl to take advantage of.  Maybe it was as simple as wrong place, wrong time.

To this day, less than 5 people know my story from me (small town – sounded like he ran his mouth at some point back in the day), and my parents aren’t part of those 5 people.  Sex was never a topic that was discussed in my family, ever, so I don’t think I knew how to talk to my mom about it even if I wanted to.  (And I could never tell my dad – he would kill the guy, most likely with his bare hands.)

What has this done for my relationship with sex? That’s a question I’ve asked many times and I’m not sure I even know exactly to this day.  I was a certainly nonchalant about sex for a few years to finish out high school and in to college; sex happened with both guys I knew and a few random guys.  Sometimes it was a challenge to conquer, other times it was just random, but the only time it was meaningful was during my 7 year marriage.  But even then, it was never anything special (maybe that’s why we’re not married?!?!).  A few times, I’ve been abstinent for over a year (once even during the marriage).  I can’t explain why.  I guess I’d say that sex isn’t something I need to be happy.  Or maybe I just haven’t found someone who I connect with on the right level to make me understand what a good healthy sexual relationship should be?

I do wish what happened didn’t happen, but it did.  I can’t change it.  I simply would’ve preferred my first time was not only something I remembered, but something I made my own decision to do.